Hi everyone. Someone recently wrote me an email inquiring about the difference between anger, acceptance, and forgiveness. I am sorry I didn't get back to them, but recently had some personal problems that prevented me from answering my emails. So I apologize for my lapse in response time.

I believe it is so possible to find forgiveness, BOTH (key word) for yourself and for your ex. You are both human, and humans make mistakes. Right? You messed up, your ex messed up. So what! Are we not all far from perfect entities? Yes, you can find forgiveness, but forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean that what you are saying is that it was 'okay' that they hurt you/cheated on you/beat you - or whatever. It is just saying that you forgive them for 'whatever' because they are only human and humans make mistakes. What most distinguishes us from other animals are - unfortunately - greed, lust, pride, and the uncanny ability to reason and rationalize everything we do to satisfy our wants (often mistaken as needs)...hence, we are only human and human's make mistakes. So, yes, it is very possible to find forgiveness to someone who has wronged you, and for yourself, too...without saying that what they did (or you did) is 'okay'.

Secondly, it is very hard to find forgiveness without first finding acceptance. Acceptance is in realizing that you and others have the 'right' to be who they are, and to want what they want. Even if it goes against your wishes, wants, and desires - they still have the right to pursue their own course in their own life. Peace comes when you accept that they have the right to do just that.

But, now anger - anger has a way of growing in you like a demon and undermining all your well-meaning efforts to forgive and accept - and move on. Anger is usually the first emotional expression of grief. It simply means you are grieving a situation's or person's control over you. If you experience a loss through death you may get angry at God for stealing control over your desire to keep the loved one with you. If you experienced a divorce because of infidelity you may get angry for your lack of control over the situation. Anger is a perfectly normal, acceptable, and welcomed part of the grieving process. It would be absolutely ridiculous to believe you shouldn't be angry about a failed relationship. You worked hard at your relationship, gave it so much time, accepted it into your life as a very special part of it.

Sometimes, when we feel consumed by anger that seems to be centered at someone else, it really is misdirected anger at ourselves. Such as the woman who is angry at her abusive husband. Could it be misdirected anger at herself for not finding the strength, willpower, and courage to cut free of him? Could she be angry at herself for allowing him to steal her dignity and self-esteem? These are angry emotions that can be misdirected to another source. They don't benefit you at all. They don't incite you into action, or release injustices. They just burn hate into your very heart and soul, consuming your inner peace and joy.

Again, this is just my opinion. Hugs to all! Tigress (Tig)

~Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru
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